Years ago, my Polish friend and I had a brilliant idea.
We were going to start a podcast.
Because apparently having full-time jobs and normal adult responsibilities wasn’t enough.
The name?
A Swede, a Pole and a French Bulldog.
The concept was simple. We would pick a subject and discuss it from three different perspectives: Swedish, Polish, and French Bulldog.
The French Bulldog had no qualifications whatsoever, but he was extremely confident.
We never actually made the podcast.
We did, however, make notes.
I recently found them.
One of our proposed episodes simply said:
Swedish meatballs vs. Polish sausage — the origins, why famous, and dog food.
I have no memory of how dog food entered this conversation. Although considering Hugo was one-third of the podcast, I suppose we were trying to be inclusive.
Sweden enters the competition
Let’s start with the obvious.
Swedish meatballs are better.
I realize this isn’t technically how you begin an unbiased cultural comparison, but I am Swedish and this is my blog.
Swedish meatballs — köttbullar — aren’t complicated. Meatballs, gravy, mashed potatoes, lingonberries.
Perfect.
Then IKEA came along and introduced Swedish meatballs to the world. This has been both good and bad. Good because millions of people now know about Swedish meatballs. Bad because millions of people now associate one of our national foods with buying a BILLY bookcase and discovering three hours later that you have one screw left over, a panel installed backwards, and a marriage that will never fully recover.
Poland would like a word 🇵🇱
This is where my friend would immediately point out that Poland has sausage.
Not a sausage.
Sausage as an entire category of national identity.
And Americans call it kielbasa. Which seems reasonable until you learn that kiełbasa is basically the Polish word for sausage. So saying “Polish kielbasa” is a little like saying “Swedish meatball meatball.”
There are many kinds. Smoked. Fresh. Garlic. Pork. Different regions. Different recipes.
I know this because once you have a Polish friend, you will eventually receive information about Polish sausage whether you requested it or not, usually mid-conversation, usually unprompted, usually correct.
I’m sure she feels exactly the same way about Swedish meatballs, except her version of this paragraph is shorter, because there is only one Swedish meatball and I have now spent four paragraphs describing it.
She is also as of many years a vegetarian.
I want to be clear that this has never once slowed her down. She will describe the snap of a good kiełbasa casing with the reverence of a woman who has personally eaten thousands of them. She has not eaten a single one. This is not a contradiction to her. This is heritage.
We need an independent judge
Obviously, Sweden and Poland cannot settle this ourselves. We’re biased.
Fortunately, our original podcast had a third member.
Hugo. French Bulldog. Thirty pounds. No culinary training. Extensive opinions.
Hugo has reviewed the evidence carefully.
Sweden argues for the meatball. Poland argues for the sausage. Hugo would like it noted that both arguments contain meat, and that this is, as far as he’s concerned, the entire debate resolved.
His ruling: both.
He would like one Swedish meatball and one Polish sausage for comparison purposes. Then another meatball, because the first sample was statistically insignificant. Then another piece of sausage, because scientific integrity matters. He is willing to continue testing until somebody stops him, and it should be noted that nobody has ever successfully stopped him.
And apparently, dog food
Which brings me back to our original podcast note: the origins, why famous, and dog food.
I still don’t know what we intended to say about dog food. Maybe Hugo had negotiated his own segment. All possibilities are, at this point, equally likely, equally undocumented, and equally his fault.
Sadly, A Swede, a Pole and a French Bulldog never made it to air. Which is probably a loss to international diplomacy.
But after reviewing the evidence a couple of years later, I think we can finally declare a winner in the great Swedish meatball vs. Polish sausage debate.
Sweden says Sweden.
Poland says Poland.
The French Bulldog says:
Why are we still talking? Put them on the floor.